Thursday, September 16, 2010

Leyla's Tale (Part One)

This is an expansion of something I wrote for a short creative writing challenge at io9.

Leyla’s Tale (Part One)

It used to be easier for my kind to hide.  We never stayed any one place too long so the humans didn’t notice we weren’t aging like they were.  With photography and electronic records and instant communication it’s harder to maintain the illusion.  And it’s easier for the Hunters to find us.


The Hunters know what we are.  They know we look human but aren’t.  They know that we live for centuries and that we heal quickly.  And they know that if they drink our blood and eat our organs, they will live longer and be cured of disease.  So they hunt us down for their own selfish reasons.  They keep our secret so they don’t have to share. 

My parents died almost eighty years ago but it still feels like yesterday.  We were living on an isolated farm where we didn’t have to deal with the neighbors very much.  We kept to ourselves and the neighbors left us alone.  On the rare occasions we went to the local village, old ladies pinched my cheek and said what a pretty little girl I am.  If they only knew I was actually in my fifties. 

The Hunters came at night, catching us by surprise.  I woke up hearing the noise of a scuffle coming from my parents’ bedroom.  I scampered into the hidey hole under the house and waited.  Father in particular had drilled into me what to do if Hunters came.  He said I wasn’t ready to face Hunters yet.  I had the body of a ten year old girl so I could see his point. 

 I can still hear their screams as they were tortured to death.  The Hunters knew I was hidden somewhere nearby but they couldn’t find me.  They figured either my parents would tell them where I was or I would come out to stop the torture.  But I knew my parents would die before giving me up.  And I would not let them down by revealing myself.  Covering my ears didn’t stop the noise.  I bit my finger, hoping the physical pain would distract me. 

The Hunters stayed all night.  When dawn broke, the screams ceased.  I heard movement then several car doors slamming.  It sounded like two or three cars drove away.  I waited for a while in the hole, patiently listening.  Hearing nothing unusual, I climbed out of the hidey hole.  I circled around the house to the kitchen door and entered.  The kitchen was empty so I headed towards my parents’ bedroom.  A pair of rough hands grabbed me as I entered the hallway. 

I was lifted off the ground in a tight bear hug.  “Stop struggling, little girl.  I have to bring you in alive but that doesn’t mean I can’t hurt you.”

I found one of his fingers and bent it back until it snapped.  He howled and dropped me.  I ran back to the kitchen.  The enraged Hunter charged after me.  I found a knife as he closed on me.  My fear and rage took over.  I stabbed and stabbed even after he was on the floor not moving. 

Finally I stood up, bloody knife still in hand.  I went to my parents’ room.  The bed was bloody but there were no bodies.  The Hunters took my mother and father with them.  I knew what would happen to them.  They would be harvested, their blood drained and organs removed.  There would be a feast at whatever Hunter lair they ended up in.

I quickly washed up and changed out of my blood covered nightgown.  I threw some bread, fruit, and cheese into a pack and left the house.  Sooner or later someone would come looking for the dead Hunter or a neighbor would wander by.  I wanted to be long gone by then. 

I needed to find some other Hidden Ones like me.  I wouldn’t look like an adult human woman for a few decades yet.  A girl on her own had too many disadvantages.  But I would never forget what happened this day.  I would find the Hunters who had taken my parents.  And I would make them pay.

5 comments:

  1. Very good expansions/continuation. When i read the short you posted in the challenge, it brought to mind the scene in Sleepy Hollow when the horseman comes and kills the mother and father while the child hides under the house.

    There is so much more to your version :) Good job

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  2. The image of a ten-year old (looking) girl stabbing a man is stark. I like the way you make her think maturely, and the idea of what appears to be a small child thinking so clearly and acting on those thoughts is striking. In addition, I love the way you paid attention to the technology and the effects it would have on the Hidden Ones' ability to secret themselves inside of humanity.

    I liked this and I'm going now to read the second part. So far this is interesting and I want to know more about these people and their lives, so you've done your job well.

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  3. Nice twist on classic vampires. The way you set them up as both vulnerable (to tech, to hunters, to curious neighbors) and not (the 'girl' taking on a full grown man) is intriguing. It reminded me a little of Let the Right One In.

    I also liked that she stayed hidden. That it was horrible but she didn't run out and try to save them, that she was secure in what they would have wanted her to do and what she should do. It really demonstrated her maturity.

    Now I want to know more about your vampires and more about her revenge.

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  4. the first one seems like an appropriate place to start. I'll read your Leyla series. So I like this overall. You establish relationships between your principles very well. The self-serving Hunters who protect the identities of Leyla's people for the purpose of hunting them. Leyla's people, are they vampires? should I know this yet? anyway, they can rely on the hunters keeping their secret. That's awesome, and it's true, because that is often how predator/prey relationships function in the wild. When her parents are being killed, your description of the bond she shares with them is perfect. Their willingness to die for her coupled with her recognition of their sacrifice and her to honoring them with her silence. jackpot.

    I also like the choice in heroine, because they can be realistically portrayed as unexpectedly, deceptively vicious. they're like a cat at the vet's. the vet techs know to break out the full-length leather arm sheaths at the 1st flattening of an ear.

    Hmm, I hope you don't have a character lim

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  5. Observations and issues: one thing I've noticed reading fiction on io9 is something I haven't really figured out how to articulate yet. It has to do with time compression and expansion. An event is described in temporally immediate terms, the girl attacking the Hunter for example, but then that passage is also informed by information used to describe or develop the larger, historical context. I'm not saying you're doing that here, or that it doesn't work when someone blends them skillfully, but it's a common pitfall I've encountered with io9 writers. One thing I would have liked is a more descriptive account of the attack, but when working from 1st person POV, the writer is limited to what the narrator sees. There are advantages as well, it's a much more personal perspective, but getting the protag's voice right and maintaining it consistently is a real challenge. So for so good, and you have the advantage of a worldly-wise character trapped in the body of someone who can also operate as a child. That has great potential.

    Speaking of the Leyla character, other commenters have compared her to
    Eli in let the right one in, and I would add to that Hit Girl and the Kate Beckinsale character in Underworld and also O-Ren Ishii from Kill Bill vol 1. Leyla has great precedents and I look forward to seeing how you develop her.

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